Chapter 1 - Atri

Atri was walking up Sringeri and thought, "Monsoon is a festive season in India. It brings water to the crops and life is expected to flourish. The myths behind the festivals always celebrated the triumph of good over evil. And I'm here walking numbed in the mind at having killed an evil being. Does that make me good or evil?"


Atri was all alone. He wanted to be away from everybody, knowing he'd look for support from others and justify his deed. 'No', he thought, "it makes me good if it reduced harm to the people and evil if I were to indiscriminately continue killing". It led to more questions. "Why should the good of other people bother me? They haven't been particularly good to me. I didn't kill for anybody's sake, I did it for my own. Is that evil?"


"What the heck?", he thought, "Does it make a difference if it was good or evil? At that moment there was nothing else that could be done".
Nothing?
"Well, I could've spared him, but to what end?"
So you did it for the good of others?
"No, others didn't matter. I never thought of anybody else".
What did you feel when you struck down, wasn't it pure glee?
"Yes, I fought on instinct to save myself, but in the end I was deliberate when I took his life."
Didn't you enjoy the moment?
"I did, it was the power to do away with the worthless. I ... er, sort of felt complete in myself".
How did you regard him as worthless?
"Well to quote from Reader's Digest there are three kinds of people - those who create and destroy; those who produce and use; and the other kind is the one who drive the first two kinds crazy. He was definitely the third".
Do you intend cleaning up all those of the third kind?
"No, he crossed my path and tried to do me away".
Does that justify your act?
"Heck! I've been roaming these mountains only so that I don't justify the act and now I'm justifying to myself?"


His conscience kept quiet, allowing him a moment's thought, hoping remorse would set in. Nothing.


Are you feeling bad that you enjoyed the moment rather than despising it?
"I don't know. It doesn't feel right."
Lets do it the Socrates way, keep questioning until you reach an answer.
"Aren't you troubling me enough already?"
Like you, I too enjoy the sadistic pleasure.
"1. I'm not a sadist. 2. I didn't know conscience had feelings, I thought it was the root of all bad feelings!"
Oh my, aren't you being very clear headed for someone troubled by bad conscience?
"I know! Its the clearheadedness that's half my problem!"
Since that doesn't solve your predicament lets call Socrates.
"Go ahead".


You enjoyed it, yet you didn't feel right about it.
"Yes, and don't link the feeling of right or wrong to good or evil"
Nice to know you realise the difference. How do you feel about drinking?
"Eh?"
When you drink and get drunk, does it feel good? Does it feel right?
"An elementary difference, when I get drunk I've lost control of my actions, when I killed I was fully aware."
You're justifying drinking now! But when you start drinking you're completely aware of the possibilities.
"Yes, that's true. Sometimes I drink socially when good / bad, right / wrong doesn't bother me. But at other times I've suggested a drink to lift up my spirits (no, I'm not playing with words here). It helps for the moment but I feel like I'm wasting myself when I lose control, when I lose memory of what I do then. But when I gather that I've not misbehaved in any way while out of control, it gives me some satisfaction"
That you're of high morals?
"You sure are sadistic! But yes, something to that effect".
So you're upset that you can't call yourself as having high morals?
"I've never believed in morals. If something can be enjoyed, enjoy it. I have been socially timid to express it, but never to enjoy."
Like all the abuses you've subject yourself to?
"That was more of adventure, it had a sense of excitement to it. I truly enjoyed just a few and for just a while."
So were you excited about killing?
"No, there was no excitement, it was pure joy".
Joy of?
"I don't know"
You met this strange dying girl at the hospital yesterday, did you feel any joy meeting her?
"Yes, but that was different. I enjoyed meeting her because ... she could understand. She had a mind, a beautiful mind".
Even though she appeared to be in dumps?
"Have you ever found me a lecher?"
Sorry, that was a wrong question.


The conscience didn't know it could be questioned back. Atri seemed to have gotten independent of his conscience and the conscience had gotten worried of being discarded totally. It decided on a compromise - to make him feel better. Even though all it do was either question him or ratify his act. It couldn't possibly ratify such a grotesque act, but then ...


So you're saying you enjoyed being with her because you shared her feelings?
"No, I didn't even bother about her feelings. She had a mind that could comprehend, that could create!"
So it was like mindedness that led you to a feeling of joy?
"I guess it was also partly because I could be carefree. She could understand what I said, perfectly. And it didn't matter to her what I said. And likewise with her. It was the ability to free my mind without another thought".
Just like killing him without another thought.
"No, I thought about it and decided he should die. And I enjoyed it."
I guess there's no definite answer to your right or wrong. It may not be socially acceptable to continue doing it.
"I guess so. As long as I remain socially timid, it'll not recur again".
I wonder where the timidness disappeared right now that you're planning to meet the girl again.
"That kind of timidness is only during the first approach. What you apparently reasoned with me now, she made me realise effortlessly."
So you're going on the pretext of seeking help?
"No, I'm going on the pretext of giving help. Right now both of us need each other's help. I know it doesn't sound right, but I don't care."


Conscience: gulp!